I Can't Believe I'm Saying This, But...

Fellas. Do you know that uncomfortable experience you occasionally get when you have morning wood and you have to piss? And, after doing all kinds of gymnastics just to get the right angle, you have to spend 10 minutes strenuously pushing out the few drips you can? And then as you wait for your dick to finally relax, you have that lingering stinging sensation because you haven't nearly gotten all of the pee out?

Excuse me for being so graphic, but what I just described is just as uncomfortable to me as what I'm about to say:

Magic Johnson, NOT Michael Jordan, might be... *sigh*.... the greatest basketball player of all time. MIGHT be. It's blasphemy, I know. But I've done the research; you decide for yourself.


1) CHAMPIONSHIPS

• Jordan - 6 Rings
• Magic - 5 Rings

Advantage: Jordan (but keep in mind that Magic led the Lakers to 9 Finals appearances, which includes losses to Bird's Celtics, the Bad Boy Pistons, and Jordan's Bulls - the three best Eastern Conference dynasties of all time)

2) MVPs

• Jordan - 5
• Magic - 3

Advantage: Jordan

3) TEAMMATES

Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson both played with two Hall-of-Famers. Jordan played with Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman; Magic played with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and James Worthy (yes, he's in the Hall of Fame).

But look at this: It's easy to mistakenly believe that Kareem joined the Lakers late in his career and past his prime, but that's not true. Kareem played with the Lakers for more than two-thirds of his career, and joined the team when he was only 28 years old.

Dennis Rodman, on the other hand, joined the Bulls when he was 34 years old (although he still led the league in rebounds for all three seasons that he played in Chicago). Kareem in his prime along with James Worthy is a better duo than Scottie Pippen and an old Dennis Rodman. And Byron Scott, A.C. Green, and Vlade Divac were better than Ron Harper, Horace Grant, and Luc Longley as well.

And before you say anything, Steve Kerr only averaged 6 ppg for his career.

So... seeing how the player with the least talent on his team would win this category...

Advantage: Jordan



4) SCORING

• Jordan - 30 ppg
• Magic - 20 ppg

Advantage: Jordan

Looks like a landslide win for Jordan so far, right? Just wait...


5) REBOUNDING

• Jordan - 6 rpg
  
• Magic - 7 rpg

Advantage: Magic


6) ASSISTS

• Jordan - 5
• Magic - 11

Advantage: Magic

7) ENHANCED STATS

Okay, for the sake of argument, let's say that every one of Magic's and Jordan's assists led to a 2-point basket. And if we take that number and add it to their PPG average, we'll have a new number of which I'll call "Total Points Per Game." The formula looks like this:
2(apg) + (ppg) = tppg

Got it? Here are their career total points per game:

• Jordan - 40 tppg
• Magic - 42 tppg

Advantage: Magic

*NOTE* Keep in mind that I'm including Jordan's two Wizards years, which is fair because he still had incredible stats in those seasons. It's also fair because I'm including Magic Johnson's 1995-1996 season, which came after a FOUR-YEAR hiatus after his retirement due to HIV.

8) AT AGE 29

Because of Magic's HIV diagnosis and because of Jordan's multiple retirements, neither one of them played at the same time after they met in the 1991 NBA Finals. In fact, the oldest age in which both players played a full season was age 29. So let's look at their season numbers at age 29:

• Jordan - (1992) 33 ppg, 7 rpg, 6 apg, 3 steals per game
• Magic - (1988) 23 ppg, 8 rpg, 13 apg, 2 spg

ENHANCED:

• Jordan - (1992) 45 tppg, 7 rpg, 3 spg
• Magic - (1988) 49 tppg, 8 rpg, 2 spg

Advantage: Um... well...?

See what I mean? It's open for debate, so let me know what you think. Personally, I think it's almost impossible to choose objectively if you're a fan of either player. I'll always think that Jordan is the greatest ever. But these numbers, at least some of them, tell otherwise.

Have You Been Paying Attention?

Guess what: Sports (and sports journalism) has evolved right under your nose. Did you see it? Don't worry, I'll point it out to you.

Remember that song "Hook" by Blues Traveler? You've probably heard it enough times to understand the message of the tune. Keep the song in mind while you read this. In fact, if you're at the bar, go play it on the jukebox. And if you're on your computer, click HERE and listen to it on your browser in the background. It'll get you in the proper mood for what I'm about to say.

No, but seriously don't do it. Unless you like the song. It is catchy...


1) OZZIE GUILLEN = JUICY COACH SCANDAL. Did he fuck up? Sure. Loose lips sink ships, as they say. Suggesting that you support a Communist dictator with murderous tendencies whose victims' families live in your neighborhood in Florida is a huge mistake. But is ESPN educating its audience, both young and old, on who Fidel Castro is? Is ESPN educating its audience on the history of Cuba? No.

But you may say, "But Gary, ESPN is a sports network. It's not a news or history network." And I would say to you, "Then why is ESPN constantly asking if Guillen should be fired?" In other words, what gives them the right to openly debate the future employment of one man if they are unwilling to explain the weight of his transgressions? Fidel Castro is 85 years old, ringing the shit out of death's doorbell. His past history is no longer front-page news. But coach scandals are. Case in point:


2) BOBBY PETRINO = JUICY COACH SCANDAL. Did he fuck up? Sure. A leader of young men should never behave the way he behaved. But while ESPN spent over a week asking if whether or not Petrino should be fired, did they ever educate their viewers, both young and old, on WHY Petrino should be fired? No. And do you know why they didn't? This is Mike Tirico:

You probably see his face or hear his voice almost every single day on ESPN. But do you know about his history of when he first started at ESPN? Click HERE to read it (it's brief, but in case you don't read it, he was pretty much an alcoholic sexual-assaulting womanizer). But now he's hosting The Masters, Monday Night Football, calling NBA games, and pretty much dominating ESPN with his pink face and fucked up haircut. The adultery of a short, chubby sports anchor isn't sexy. The adultery of an NCAA football coach is.



3) DON'T TAKE WEDNESDAY'S 'ESPN FIRST TAKE' EPISODE TOO SERIOUSLY. If you watched it, good for you. I saw it too. Jalen Rose (and his shifty eyes) went toe-to-toe with Skip Bayless about Skip giving players degrading and unnecessary nicknames (like "Bosh Spice" or "Prince James"). It sounded like a good, heartfelt debate. But make no mistake: It wasn't.

People watch First Take because they want to hear what Skip Bayless has to say. And the, um, hook that he uses is the fact that he makes bold and overwhelming predictions using "facts" and theories that seemingly no one else has thought to utilize. That's why they talk about Tim Tebow for seven days a week. A broken clock is right twice a day, and all Skip does is use shock journalism and bases his opinions on "armchair psychology" and then he beats his chest in front of America for two hours whenever one of his predictions from six months ago happens to be right.

But who the fuck cares if you "knew" that something was going to happen beforehand? If he's such a prophet, why doesn't he go to Vegas and become a professional sports gambler? And although I believe he has the right to come up with degrading nicknames for athletes, I also believe that Skip loves the attention. He sends out dozens of "prophet" tweets per day. I had to unfollow him it was so much. He's all about pestering you into watching his show. But if Skip Bayless' philosophies were so virtuous and important, then why is he on a repetitive debate show at 9 o'clock in the morning talking about Tim Tebow everyday? If Skip is truly protective of his character (as he often declares with that jackass scowl on his face), why is he using such a corny platform?

Ratings. That's the answer. Take it all with a grain of salt, people. There are much more important things going on in the world.


4) QUICK, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE GUY THAT BUBBA WATSON FACED IN THE 2-HOLE PLAYOFF AT THE MASTERS ON SUNDAY?
First and last name. Take your time. I'll wait. Yeah... that's what I thought.

I'll admit that I watched a lot of the tournament. But I didn't buy all the bullshit that ESPN and CBS were selling about the Masters being a "tradition unlike any other." I get so sick of hearing Jim Nantz basically whisper that phrase on Masters commercials every year, with that soft sleepy piano tune playing in the background. It's still four rounds of golf, it's still played on an 18-hole course, I still can't read the greens on my TV, and there's still a trophy for the winner. Sounds like a "tradition EXACTLY like MANY others." Plus, two days before the tournament, all I heard was the talking heads predicting that Tiger Woods would be the winner (By the way, why is every show on ESPN a prediction/debate show now? Michael Smith almost gets fighting mad when people don't agree with his predictions. Predictions!). But by Saturday, those same talking heads were back to saying that Tiger will never pass Jack Nicklaus' majors record.

Look, I personally don't give a fuck about Tiger Woods. I got over the whole "black golfer" thing about 15 years ago. To me, he's just another dude. Better yet, he's a dickhead. You know it and I know it. When did we start celebrating that kind of behavior? And why did I have to hear about him for seven straight days through Sunday, when he lost the tournament BY 15 STROKES? Because he's the hook, that's why. Put some more money in the jukebox, I'm not finished yet.


5) DANICA PATRICK = GARBAGE.
Look at the screen capture from SportsCenter below:

What the fuck? Who fucking cares what Danica Patrick's tentative racing schedule is? She's only won ONE RACE!!! Ever! And that was back in 2008 in Japan! She's not even the greatest female driver of all time, by far!

But she's a Go Daddy Girl and she looks damn good in a bikini, so...


6) CHARLES BARKLEY. HOOK.



7) ATHLETES' TWEETS ON SPORTSCENTER. HOOK.



8) COWBOYS, LAKERS, KNICKS & YANKEES HEADLINES. HOOK.



9) ERIN ANDREWS. FINE ASS SEXY MOTHERFUCKIN' HOOK.



10) In conclusion, let me be clear: I didn't have some silly little epiphany before I wrote this. I already understood how entertainment works. Well, at least for the most part. But what I'm saying is that sports have become businesses primarily, and quality athletics secondarily. And sports news has become entertainment primarily, and quality journalism secondarily. It's kinda like how you can find the latest issue of Us Weekly at Wal-Mart in 20 seconds, but it would take 20 minutes to find a dictionary.

Hey is that Chyna? No? Oh.