7 NBA PLAYOFF HEADLINES THAT HAVE ME PISSED

We're only in the beginning of the second round, but I'm already pissed off. No more small talk. I'm goin' in, and I'm about to cuss a lot. Fuck fuckety fuck fuck fuck. Get over it.

1) INJURIES

Thanks, NBA. Thanks, David Stern. Thanks, lockout. Now your future face of the league and former MVP Derrick Rose will only be a shell of his former self -- if he's lucky -- after ACL surgery. Thanks.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of the Chicago Bulls, I have some advice for them: Sit Derrick Rose for the entire season and trade/release bitch-ass poser-ass overrated-ass Carlos Boozer while you're at it.

That way, you'll have a horrible win-loss record next season which will earn you a lottery pick to replace Boozer. Then, in 2014, you'll have a 100% healthy Derrick Rose and a new (and better) player instead of this piece of shit pictured above who yells and screams to distract people from noticing that he's the worst defender on the floor, not to mention one of the worst playoff performers in recent memory. Fuck Carlos Boozer. And I don't even like the Bulls...

2) THE UTAH JAZZ

Remember when we all thought Dallas was stupid for trading away Devin Harris for an old Jason Kidd a few years ago? Needless to say, I have changed my mind. Devin Harris is NOT a leader. If you watch closely, and you know that I do, Devin Harris does a magnificent job of making me believe that he doesn't give two shits about whether or not his team wins or loses. I'll even go so far as to say that Harris is BY FAR the most nonchalant player in the NBA.

Oh, and why the fuck are their jerseys green now? Baby-shit green, too. What the fuck? Who signed off on that? I know they used to be green back in the day, but still. If I'm Paul Millsap or Al Jefferson or any of their other young players, I'm trying to get the fuck out of dodge with the quickness. I don't care if they made it to the playoffs this year... Utah still fucking sucks.

3) CHEERLEADERS (or lack thereof)

Look here, man. How come there are hardly any close-up shots of the cheerleaders during the telecasts? Are they only for the enjoyment of the people who actually go to the games?

I did some long, tough, tedious research and came up with the following results: NBA cheerleaders are WAY hotter than NFL cheerleaders, and NFL cheerleaders are fucking amazing. Earmuffs, Sarah. Every cheerleader on every single team, yes even Utah, is at least a solid 8. Every one of them. It's mind-blowing.

And I'm starting to wonder if they're the most beautiful women in the world, too. Think about it. They actually enjoy working out and staying in shape, they can dance like strippers (which means they're fun in the sack), and they're gorgeous. They're probably screwing all of the players, but they're still gorgeous. For example:

Warriors Cheerleader: Solid 9

Bobcats Cheerleader: 9.5

Bulls Cheerleader: 10

Suns Cheerleader: 9.5

Former Hawks Cheerleader: 8.5, plus now she's a porn star. Seriously.

Heat Cheerleaders: Both 10s

Suns Cheerleader: 11. Well... 10.

See what I mean? And I left a lot of the hotter ones out because I didn't want Sarah (who should still have her damn earmuffs on) to think that I'm a complete pervert. NBA, if you're listening, stop fuckin' up. Show these girls during commercial-time every once in a while instead of racist cereal ads.

4) FRONT RUNNING-ASS LAKERS FANS

I swear some of these celebrity Lakers "fans" come out of the woodwork every time the playoffs start. Look TNT and ESPN, I don't give a fuck if Antonio Banderas and his kids are sitting in the front row, so stop panning the camera in his direction. Is he making another Desperado sequel? No? Okay then I don't give a fuck about him right now.

These smug, arrogant celebrities don't even watch basketball, but then they think that they can just waltz into the Staples Center and...

...and um...

...um...what? What was I saying?

5) GEEK-CHIC GLASSES (and clothing)

Man, oh man. Russell Westbrook needs to get slapped in his goofy-ass lips for this shit:

What the fuck is he wearing? I already knew Dwight Howard and LeBron James were attention whores, but Russell too? JUST PLAY FUCKING BASKETBALL AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! That's all I ask. Why is that so hard? Man I miss Michael Jordan...

Maybe LeBron should wear those shits when he shoots his free throws next time.

6) AMAR'E FUCKING STOUDEMIRE

First of all, allow me to say that I know that Amar'e has always been... different. Much like Lamar Odom, he's a weird cat to say the least. However, Amar'e Stoudemire is 29 fucking years old. He has two children. And he's punching fire extinguishers? No, he's punching the glass casing around a fire extinguisher. What the fuck?

7) CHRIS PAUL

Yes, it's true. I don't particularly like CP3. I respect and enjoy his immense talent, for the most part, but I don't like the guy personally. Why? Because he's a flopper and flopping makes me sick.

He's a piece of shit, y'all. I'm sorry you had to hear it from me. If somebody touches him -- whether that be while dribbling, driving, shooting, or even after the whistle -- that motherfucker makes a quick, jerky movement and flops to get a call. Apparently, he even flops when the ref touches him. And it has rubbed off on the rest of his teammates, too. Is he as bad as LeBron? Well...

Actually, yes. I'll say he's just as bad as LeBron because he does it more often. I repeat: I don't like CP3. I know I'm alone in this, but I don't give a shit. I'll end today with a final word of wisdom:

As far as Chris Paul is concerned, no matter how sweet you think he is, if you look at him closely enough, there's a dick in there somewhere.... said the pot to the kettle.


I'm out.

THE MOST RACIST COMMERCIAL ON TELEVISION

I'M PLAYING THE RACE CARD. CALL MY BLUFF.

I'm speaking of, as you see above, ↑this↑ fucking ridiculous Frosted Flakes commercial. Mysteriously, the video of the commercial is nowhere to be found on the internet. Kellogg's obviously did this on purpose, because the comments section would be full of people like me calling them out on their bullshit. Go ahead. Try to find it on YouTube if you have time waste. I'll wait...

If you've seen the commercial (which, surprise, comes on like 14 times during NBA and March Madness games), then you'll follow along just fine. If you haven't seen it, I'll do my best to describe it to you as I go. Grab a sandwich, because I'm about to do some preaching:


1) THE BOX - What the fuck? If you have siblings or children of your own, you know exactly how much damn cereal is in the damn cereal box as soon as you pick it up off the shelf. And yet the dad in this commercial doesn't realize that there's less than half a bowl's worth of cereal in the box before he starts pouring it. WTF? Stupid.

2) THE STORE - The black man and his daughter obviously live in a nice neighborhood, so one would think that there would be a grocery store nearby. But even though they live in a beautiful house, they're obviously too broke to afford a $2 box of cereal so half a bowl is all that anyone is going to eat this morning.

And just when you think that maybe the reason why they didn't go to the store was because they didn't have time to do so...

3) THE SHOWDOWN - The black man and his daughter both look to the basketball hoop in the backyard, and instantly decide without speaking that they're gonna go play some hoops to decide who gets that stanky-ass half a bowl of cereal. The stingy, selfish black father can't just GIVE his daughter the fucking half-bowl of cereal; she has to go outside and battle on the basketball court for it. Again, WTF?

4) TONY THE TIGER - Right on schedule, our favorite cartoon tiger shows up in the backyard, keeping score as dad and daughter play a game of H.O.R.S.E. by the garage.

First of all, let's just ignore the fact that a talking, animated, ferocious carnivore just casually shows up to their house unannounced. It's television, so rational rules don't apply. But damn man, why the fuck doesn't Tony walk around with a spare box of Frosted Flakes? I mean, he's always talking about that delicious shit, but he doesn't ever have the product handy? Stupid.

5) DOMINATION - As if the young black father hasn't been portrayed as being ghetto enough, he proceeds to BUST HIS DAUGHTER'S ASS in basketball. Hittin' backwards shots and shit... come on now.

Over half a bowl of cereal? Give me a fucking break.

6) HYGIENE - If you've ever played basketball outdoors, you know that it only takes a couple of dribbles before your hands are completely covered in dust. Everybody knows that. But these apparently nasty-ass black people come back in the house and go straight back to the kitchen table. If you watch the commercial closely, you'll see that the girl still has the ball in her hands when she sits down. So it's not enough that us blacks play basketball to resolve all of our disagreements, but we also don't wash our hands? Thanks, Kellogg's.

7) THE COMPROMISE - The selfish negro baby-daddy sits down at the table with FULL intentions of eating his victory half-bowl of Frosted Flakes until his hungry, growing daughter pushes her bowl towards him. Obviously broke and unable to do anything other than play basketball, the father and daughter share their food. Daddy slides about 14 flakes into his daughter's bowl, leaving about 8 or 9 flakes for himself. Problem solved. Part of a balanced breakfast my ass...

8) THE FIST BUMP - And to add insult to injury, Kellogg's makes the father and daughter do some stupid blow-up fist bump bullshit. In case y'all didn't know: BLACK PEOPLE DON'T ACT LIKE THAT!

We don't go play fucking basketball before eating breakfast, we don't share a baby-sized portion of food, and we damn sure don't do baseball handshakes at the kitchen table while Tony the Tiger looks on in the background talking 'bout, "They'rrrrrrre Grrrrrrrrrrreat!!!!!"

Racism still exists. Don't let it consume your kids. I'll leave you with a little wisdom from Jackie Moon: