1) INJURIES
Thanks, NBA. Thanks, David Stern. Thanks, lockout. Now your future face of the league and former MVP Derrick Rose will only be a shell of his former self -- if he's lucky -- after ACL surgery. Thanks.
Oh, and while we're on the subject of the Chicago Bulls, I have some advice for them: Sit Derrick Rose for the entire season and trade/release bitch-ass poser-ass overrated-ass Carlos Boozer while you're at it.
That way, you'll have a horrible win-loss record next season which will earn you a lottery pick to replace Boozer. Then, in 2014, you'll have a 100% healthy Derrick Rose and a new (and better) player instead of this piece of shit pictured above who yells and screams to distract people from noticing that he's the worst defender on the floor, not to mention one of the worst playoff performers in recent memory. Fuck Carlos Boozer. And I don't even like the Bulls...
2) THE UTAH JAZZ
Remember when we all thought Dallas was stupid for trading away Devin Harris for an old Jason Kidd a few years ago? Needless to say, I have changed my mind. Devin Harris is NOT a leader. If you watch closely, and you know that I do, Devin Harris does a magnificent job of making me believe that he doesn't give two shits about whether or not his team wins or loses. I'll even go so far as to say that Harris is BY FAR the most nonchalant player in the NBA.
Oh, and why the fuck are their jerseys green now? Baby-shit green, too. What the fuck? Who signed off on that? I know they used to be green back in the day, but still. If I'm Paul Millsap or Al Jefferson or any of their other young players, I'm trying to get the fuck out of dodge with the quickness. I don't care if they made it to the playoffs this year... Utah still fucking sucks.
3) CHEERLEADERS (or lack thereof)
Look here, man. How come there are hardly any close-up shots of the cheerleaders during the telecasts? Are they only for the enjoyment of the people who actually go to the games?
I did some long, tough, tedious research and came up with the following results: NBA cheerleaders are WAY hotter than NFL cheerleaders, and NFL cheerleaders are fucking amazing. Earmuffs, Sarah. Every cheerleader on every single team, yes even Utah, is at least a solid 8. Every one of them. It's mind-blowing.
And I'm starting to wonder if they're the most beautiful women in the world, too. Think about it. They actually enjoy working out and staying in shape, they can dance like strippers (which means they're fun in the sack), and they're gorgeous. They're probably screwing all of the players, but they're still gorgeous. For example:
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| Warriors Cheerleader: Solid 9 |
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| Bobcats Cheerleader: 9.5 |
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| Bulls Cheerleader: 10 |
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| Suns Cheerleader: 9.5 |
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| Former Hawks Cheerleader: 8.5, plus now she's a porn star. Seriously. |
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| Heat Cheerleaders: Both 10s |
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| Suns Cheerleader: 11. Well... 10. |
See what I mean? And I left a lot of the hotter ones out because I didn't want Sarah (who should still have her damn earmuffs on) to think that I'm a complete pervert. NBA, if you're listening, stop fuckin' up. Show these girls during commercial-time every once in a while instead of racist cereal ads.
4) FRONT RUNNING-ASS LAKERS FANS
I swear some of these celebrity Lakers "fans" come out of the woodwork every time the playoffs start. Look TNT and ESPN, I don't give a fuck if Antonio Banderas and his kids are sitting in the front row, so stop panning the camera in his direction. Is he making another Desperado sequel? No? Okay then I don't give a fuck about him right now.
These smug, arrogant celebrities don't even watch basketball, but then they think that they can just waltz into the Staples Center and...
...and um...
...um...what? What was I saying?
Man, oh man. Russell Westbrook needs to get slapped in his goofy-ass lips for this shit:
What the fuck is he wearing? I already knew Dwight Howard and LeBron James were attention whores, but Russell too? JUST PLAY FUCKING BASKETBALL AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! That's all I ask. Why is that so hard? Man I miss Michael Jordan...
Maybe LeBron should wear those shits when he shoots his free throws next time.
6) AMAR'E FUCKING STOUDEMIRE
First of all, allow me to say that I know that Amar'e has always been... different. Much like Lamar Odom, he's a weird cat to say the least. However, Amar'e Stoudemire is 29 fucking years old. He has two children. And he's punching fire extinguishers? No, he's punching the glass casing around a fire extinguisher. What the fuck?
7) CHRIS PAUL
Yes, it's true. I don't particularly like CP3. I respect and enjoy his immense talent, for the most part, but I don't like the guy personally. Why? Because he's a flopper and flopping makes me sick.
He's a piece of shit, y'all. I'm sorry you had to hear it from me. If somebody touches him -- whether that be while dribbling, driving, shooting, or even after the whistle -- that motherfucker makes a quick, jerky movement and flops to get a call. Apparently, he even flops when the ref touches him. And it has rubbed off on the rest of his teammates, too. Is he as bad as LeBron? Well...
Actually, yes. I'll say he's just as bad as LeBron because he does it more often. I repeat: I don't like CP3. I know I'm alone in this, but I don't give a shit. I'll end today with a final word of wisdom:
As far as Chris Paul is concerned, no matter how sweet you think he is, if you look at him closely enough, there's a dick in there somewhere.... said the pot to the kettle.
I'm out.
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