SAN ANTONIO SPURS, OH HOW I LOATHE THEE

Okay, here we go. Quick and painless:

TOP 5 REASONS WHY I HATE
THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS

5) MANU GINOBILI - Everybody seems to love Manu, but not me. Can't stand him. The way he seems to fall every time he lays the ball up, the way he's always grabbing on his gigantic nose, that fucking Euro-step (even though he's not European) that nobody can seem to stop, his uncontrollable bald spot, and, of course, the flopping. Fuck Manu Ginobili.

4) GREGG POPOVICH - "Coach Pop" can eat a dick. First of all, unless your parents named you "Giggle", nobody should ever have three Gs in their first name. Second of all, fuck this dude. I know he's a good coach, okay? But he is single-handedly responsible for me missing the 1999, 2003, 2005, and 2007 NBA Finals because his team was too fucking boring to watch. I understand that they play high-quality basketball, but they have no personality. Basketball is a kid's game; they play it with the enjoyment and enthusiasm of colon surgery.

Oh, and Greggggg looks like an old version of Dewey from "Malcolm in the Middle." You know, the annoying sibling. Which is fitting.

3) MATT BONNER - I hate Matt Bonner solely because the guy shoots like a high school girl. And apparently she wears New Balance basketball shoes (WTF?). And apparently she practices naked...well, except for those words painted on her chest and that black stripe on the side of her leg.

Spray Tan, bro. 20 bucks.

2) TONY PARKER - This is Brent Barry's now-ex-wife, Erin:

Don't get me wrong: I wouldn't exactly kick her out of bed. She's definitely a solid 9 (okay, well, maybe a solid 8 because she's kinda mannish in the face). But anyway, as you all know by now, Tony Parker decided to cheat with her while he was married to this:

Okay first of all, Eva Longoria is a 10. Duh. But Tony Parker didn't replace Eva with Erin; the greedy French bastard wanted to keep smashing both of them on the down low. And second of all, YOU DON'T FUCK YOUR FRIEND'S CHICK! EVEN AFTER THEY BREAK UP, LET ALONE WHEN THEY'RE STILL TOGETHER, LET ALONE WHEN THEY'RE FUCKING MARRIED!

Tony Parker is a piece of shit. Excellent taste, but a piece of shit nonetheless.



1) BITCH-ASS TIM DUNCAN - When Tim Duncan has that stupid dumbfounded look on his face (which is 24/7), I just want to go grab a step ladder and do this:

I can't fucking stand Tim Duncan. You can call him the best power forward of all time, but you still wouldn't pay $ to watch him play. And the only reason why he's considered a power forward is because David Robinson was on his team in the early years. Tim Duncan is 6'11" a.k.a. a CENTER. And he's not the best center of all time. Not even close.

Oh, and what is this weird shit that he does at the beginning of every game?:

The end.

7 NBA PLAYOFF HEADLINES THAT HAVE ME PISSED

We're only in the beginning of the second round, but I'm already pissed off. No more small talk. I'm goin' in, and I'm about to cuss a lot. Fuck fuckety fuck fuck fuck. Get over it.

1) INJURIES

Thanks, NBA. Thanks, David Stern. Thanks, lockout. Now your future face of the league and former MVP Derrick Rose will only be a shell of his former self -- if he's lucky -- after ACL surgery. Thanks.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of the Chicago Bulls, I have some advice for them: Sit Derrick Rose for the entire season and trade/release bitch-ass poser-ass overrated-ass Carlos Boozer while you're at it.

That way, you'll have a horrible win-loss record next season which will earn you a lottery pick to replace Boozer. Then, in 2014, you'll have a 100% healthy Derrick Rose and a new (and better) player instead of this piece of shit pictured above who yells and screams to distract people from noticing that he's the worst defender on the floor, not to mention one of the worst playoff performers in recent memory. Fuck Carlos Boozer. And I don't even like the Bulls...

2) THE UTAH JAZZ

Remember when we all thought Dallas was stupid for trading away Devin Harris for an old Jason Kidd a few years ago? Needless to say, I have changed my mind. Devin Harris is NOT a leader. If you watch closely, and you know that I do, Devin Harris does a magnificent job of making me believe that he doesn't give two shits about whether or not his team wins or loses. I'll even go so far as to say that Harris is BY FAR the most nonchalant player in the NBA.

Oh, and why the fuck are their jerseys green now? Baby-shit green, too. What the fuck? Who signed off on that? I know they used to be green back in the day, but still. If I'm Paul Millsap or Al Jefferson or any of their other young players, I'm trying to get the fuck out of dodge with the quickness. I don't care if they made it to the playoffs this year... Utah still fucking sucks.

3) CHEERLEADERS (or lack thereof)

Look here, man. How come there are hardly any close-up shots of the cheerleaders during the telecasts? Are they only for the enjoyment of the people who actually go to the games?

I did some long, tough, tedious research and came up with the following results: NBA cheerleaders are WAY hotter than NFL cheerleaders, and NFL cheerleaders are fucking amazing. Earmuffs, Sarah. Every cheerleader on every single team, yes even Utah, is at least a solid 8. Every one of them. It's mind-blowing.

And I'm starting to wonder if they're the most beautiful women in the world, too. Think about it. They actually enjoy working out and staying in shape, they can dance like strippers (which means they're fun in the sack), and they're gorgeous. They're probably screwing all of the players, but they're still gorgeous. For example:

Warriors Cheerleader: Solid 9

Bobcats Cheerleader: 9.5

Bulls Cheerleader: 10

Suns Cheerleader: 9.5

Former Hawks Cheerleader: 8.5, plus now she's a porn star. Seriously.

Heat Cheerleaders: Both 10s

Suns Cheerleader: 11. Well... 10.

See what I mean? And I left a lot of the hotter ones out because I didn't want Sarah (who should still have her damn earmuffs on) to think that I'm a complete pervert. NBA, if you're listening, stop fuckin' up. Show these girls during commercial-time every once in a while instead of racist cereal ads.

4) FRONT RUNNING-ASS LAKERS FANS

I swear some of these celebrity Lakers "fans" come out of the woodwork every time the playoffs start. Look TNT and ESPN, I don't give a fuck if Antonio Banderas and his kids are sitting in the front row, so stop panning the camera in his direction. Is he making another Desperado sequel? No? Okay then I don't give a fuck about him right now.

These smug, arrogant celebrities don't even watch basketball, but then they think that they can just waltz into the Staples Center and...

...and um...

...um...what? What was I saying?

5) GEEK-CHIC GLASSES (and clothing)

Man, oh man. Russell Westbrook needs to get slapped in his goofy-ass lips for this shit:

What the fuck is he wearing? I already knew Dwight Howard and LeBron James were attention whores, but Russell too? JUST PLAY FUCKING BASKETBALL AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! That's all I ask. Why is that so hard? Man I miss Michael Jordan...

Maybe LeBron should wear those shits when he shoots his free throws next time.

6) AMAR'E FUCKING STOUDEMIRE

First of all, allow me to say that I know that Amar'e has always been... different. Much like Lamar Odom, he's a weird cat to say the least. However, Amar'e Stoudemire is 29 fucking years old. He has two children. And he's punching fire extinguishers? No, he's punching the glass casing around a fire extinguisher. What the fuck?

7) CHRIS PAUL

Yes, it's true. I don't particularly like CP3. I respect and enjoy his immense talent, for the most part, but I don't like the guy personally. Why? Because he's a flopper and flopping makes me sick.

He's a piece of shit, y'all. I'm sorry you had to hear it from me. If somebody touches him -- whether that be while dribbling, driving, shooting, or even after the whistle -- that motherfucker makes a quick, jerky movement and flops to get a call. Apparently, he even flops when the ref touches him. And it has rubbed off on the rest of his teammates, too. Is he as bad as LeBron? Well...

Actually, yes. I'll say he's just as bad as LeBron because he does it more often. I repeat: I don't like CP3. I know I'm alone in this, but I don't give a shit. I'll end today with a final word of wisdom:

As far as Chris Paul is concerned, no matter how sweet you think he is, if you look at him closely enough, there's a dick in there somewhere.... said the pot to the kettle.


I'm out.

THE MOST RACIST COMMERCIAL ON TELEVISION

I'M PLAYING THE RACE CARD. CALL MY BLUFF.

I'm speaking of, as you see above, ↑this↑ fucking ridiculous Frosted Flakes commercial. Mysteriously, the video of the commercial is nowhere to be found on the internet. Kellogg's obviously did this on purpose, because the comments section would be full of people like me calling them out on their bullshit. Go ahead. Try to find it on YouTube if you have time waste. I'll wait...

If you've seen the commercial (which, surprise, comes on like 14 times during NBA and March Madness games), then you'll follow along just fine. If you haven't seen it, I'll do my best to describe it to you as I go. Grab a sandwich, because I'm about to do some preaching:


1) THE BOX - What the fuck? If you have siblings or children of your own, you know exactly how much damn cereal is in the damn cereal box as soon as you pick it up off the shelf. And yet the dad in this commercial doesn't realize that there's less than half a bowl's worth of cereal in the box before he starts pouring it. WTF? Stupid.

2) THE STORE - The black man and his daughter obviously live in a nice neighborhood, so one would think that there would be a grocery store nearby. But even though they live in a beautiful house, they're obviously too broke to afford a $2 box of cereal so half a bowl is all that anyone is going to eat this morning.

And just when you think that maybe the reason why they didn't go to the store was because they didn't have time to do so...

3) THE SHOWDOWN - The black man and his daughter both look to the basketball hoop in the backyard, and instantly decide without speaking that they're gonna go play some hoops to decide who gets that stanky-ass half a bowl of cereal. The stingy, selfish black father can't just GIVE his daughter the fucking half-bowl of cereal; she has to go outside and battle on the basketball court for it. Again, WTF?

4) TONY THE TIGER - Right on schedule, our favorite cartoon tiger shows up in the backyard, keeping score as dad and daughter play a game of H.O.R.S.E. by the garage.

First of all, let's just ignore the fact that a talking, animated, ferocious carnivore just casually shows up to their house unannounced. It's television, so rational rules don't apply. But damn man, why the fuck doesn't Tony walk around with a spare box of Frosted Flakes? I mean, he's always talking about that delicious shit, but he doesn't ever have the product handy? Stupid.

5) DOMINATION - As if the young black father hasn't been portrayed as being ghetto enough, he proceeds to BUST HIS DAUGHTER'S ASS in basketball. Hittin' backwards shots and shit... come on now.

Over half a bowl of cereal? Give me a fucking break.

6) HYGIENE - If you've ever played basketball outdoors, you know that it only takes a couple of dribbles before your hands are completely covered in dust. Everybody knows that. But these apparently nasty-ass black people come back in the house and go straight back to the kitchen table. If you watch the commercial closely, you'll see that the girl still has the ball in her hands when she sits down. So it's not enough that us blacks play basketball to resolve all of our disagreements, but we also don't wash our hands? Thanks, Kellogg's.

7) THE COMPROMISE - The selfish negro baby-daddy sits down at the table with FULL intentions of eating his victory half-bowl of Frosted Flakes until his hungry, growing daughter pushes her bowl towards him. Obviously broke and unable to do anything other than play basketball, the father and daughter share their food. Daddy slides about 14 flakes into his daughter's bowl, leaving about 8 or 9 flakes for himself. Problem solved. Part of a balanced breakfast my ass...

8) THE FIST BUMP - And to add insult to injury, Kellogg's makes the father and daughter do some stupid blow-up fist bump bullshit. In case y'all didn't know: BLACK PEOPLE DON'T ACT LIKE THAT!

We don't go play fucking basketball before eating breakfast, we don't share a baby-sized portion of food, and we damn sure don't do baseball handshakes at the kitchen table while Tony the Tiger looks on in the background talking 'bout, "They'rrrrrrre Grrrrrrrrrrreat!!!!!"

Racism still exists. Don't let it consume your kids. I'll leave you with a little wisdom from Jackie Moon:

I Can't Believe I'm Saying This, But...

Fellas. Do you know that uncomfortable experience you occasionally get when you have morning wood and you have to piss? And, after doing all kinds of gymnastics just to get the right angle, you have to spend 10 minutes strenuously pushing out the few drips you can? And then as you wait for your dick to finally relax, you have that lingering stinging sensation because you haven't nearly gotten all of the pee out?

Excuse me for being so graphic, but what I just described is just as uncomfortable to me as what I'm about to say:

Magic Johnson, NOT Michael Jordan, might be... *sigh*.... the greatest basketball player of all time. MIGHT be. It's blasphemy, I know. But I've done the research; you decide for yourself.


1) CHAMPIONSHIPS

• Jordan - 6 Rings
• Magic - 5 Rings

Advantage: Jordan (but keep in mind that Magic led the Lakers to 9 Finals appearances, which includes losses to Bird's Celtics, the Bad Boy Pistons, and Jordan's Bulls - the three best Eastern Conference dynasties of all time)

2) MVPs

• Jordan - 5
• Magic - 3

Advantage: Jordan

3) TEAMMATES

Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson both played with two Hall-of-Famers. Jordan played with Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman; Magic played with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and James Worthy (yes, he's in the Hall of Fame).

But look at this: It's easy to mistakenly believe that Kareem joined the Lakers late in his career and past his prime, but that's not true. Kareem played with the Lakers for more than two-thirds of his career, and joined the team when he was only 28 years old.

Dennis Rodman, on the other hand, joined the Bulls when he was 34 years old (although he still led the league in rebounds for all three seasons that he played in Chicago). Kareem in his prime along with James Worthy is a better duo than Scottie Pippen and an old Dennis Rodman. And Byron Scott, A.C. Green, and Vlade Divac were better than Ron Harper, Horace Grant, and Luc Longley as well.

And before you say anything, Steve Kerr only averaged 6 ppg for his career.

So... seeing how the player with the least talent on his team would win this category...

Advantage: Jordan



4) SCORING

• Jordan - 30 ppg
• Magic - 20 ppg

Advantage: Jordan

Looks like a landslide win for Jordan so far, right? Just wait...


5) REBOUNDING

• Jordan - 6 rpg
  
• Magic - 7 rpg

Advantage: Magic


6) ASSISTS

• Jordan - 5
• Magic - 11

Advantage: Magic

7) ENHANCED STATS

Okay, for the sake of argument, let's say that every one of Magic's and Jordan's assists led to a 2-point basket. And if we take that number and add it to their PPG average, we'll have a new number of which I'll call "Total Points Per Game." The formula looks like this:
2(apg) + (ppg) = tppg

Got it? Here are their career total points per game:

• Jordan - 40 tppg
• Magic - 42 tppg

Advantage: Magic

*NOTE* Keep in mind that I'm including Jordan's two Wizards years, which is fair because he still had incredible stats in those seasons. It's also fair because I'm including Magic Johnson's 1995-1996 season, which came after a FOUR-YEAR hiatus after his retirement due to HIV.

8) AT AGE 29

Because of Magic's HIV diagnosis and because of Jordan's multiple retirements, neither one of them played at the same time after they met in the 1991 NBA Finals. In fact, the oldest age in which both players played a full season was age 29. So let's look at their season numbers at age 29:

• Jordan - (1992) 33 ppg, 7 rpg, 6 apg, 3 steals per game
• Magic - (1988) 23 ppg, 8 rpg, 13 apg, 2 spg

ENHANCED:

• Jordan - (1992) 45 tppg, 7 rpg, 3 spg
• Magic - (1988) 49 tppg, 8 rpg, 2 spg

Advantage: Um... well...?

See what I mean? It's open for debate, so let me know what you think. Personally, I think it's almost impossible to choose objectively if you're a fan of either player. I'll always think that Jordan is the greatest ever. But these numbers, at least some of them, tell otherwise.

Have You Been Paying Attention?

Guess what: Sports (and sports journalism) has evolved right under your nose. Did you see it? Don't worry, I'll point it out to you.

Remember that song "Hook" by Blues Traveler? You've probably heard it enough times to understand the message of the tune. Keep the song in mind while you read this. In fact, if you're at the bar, go play it on the jukebox. And if you're on your computer, click HERE and listen to it on your browser in the background. It'll get you in the proper mood for what I'm about to say.

No, but seriously don't do it. Unless you like the song. It is catchy...


1) OZZIE GUILLEN = JUICY COACH SCANDAL. Did he fuck up? Sure. Loose lips sink ships, as they say. Suggesting that you support a Communist dictator with murderous tendencies whose victims' families live in your neighborhood in Florida is a huge mistake. But is ESPN educating its audience, both young and old, on who Fidel Castro is? Is ESPN educating its audience on the history of Cuba? No.

But you may say, "But Gary, ESPN is a sports network. It's not a news or history network." And I would say to you, "Then why is ESPN constantly asking if Guillen should be fired?" In other words, what gives them the right to openly debate the future employment of one man if they are unwilling to explain the weight of his transgressions? Fidel Castro is 85 years old, ringing the shit out of death's doorbell. His past history is no longer front-page news. But coach scandals are. Case in point:


2) BOBBY PETRINO = JUICY COACH SCANDAL. Did he fuck up? Sure. A leader of young men should never behave the way he behaved. But while ESPN spent over a week asking if whether or not Petrino should be fired, did they ever educate their viewers, both young and old, on WHY Petrino should be fired? No. And do you know why they didn't? This is Mike Tirico:

You probably see his face or hear his voice almost every single day on ESPN. But do you know about his history of when he first started at ESPN? Click HERE to read it (it's brief, but in case you don't read it, he was pretty much an alcoholic sexual-assaulting womanizer). But now he's hosting The Masters, Monday Night Football, calling NBA games, and pretty much dominating ESPN with his pink face and fucked up haircut. The adultery of a short, chubby sports anchor isn't sexy. The adultery of an NCAA football coach is.



3) DON'T TAKE WEDNESDAY'S 'ESPN FIRST TAKE' EPISODE TOO SERIOUSLY. If you watched it, good for you. I saw it too. Jalen Rose (and his shifty eyes) went toe-to-toe with Skip Bayless about Skip giving players degrading and unnecessary nicknames (like "Bosh Spice" or "Prince James"). It sounded like a good, heartfelt debate. But make no mistake: It wasn't.

People watch First Take because they want to hear what Skip Bayless has to say. And the, um, hook that he uses is the fact that he makes bold and overwhelming predictions using "facts" and theories that seemingly no one else has thought to utilize. That's why they talk about Tim Tebow for seven days a week. A broken clock is right twice a day, and all Skip does is use shock journalism and bases his opinions on "armchair psychology" and then he beats his chest in front of America for two hours whenever one of his predictions from six months ago happens to be right.

But who the fuck cares if you "knew" that something was going to happen beforehand? If he's such a prophet, why doesn't he go to Vegas and become a professional sports gambler? And although I believe he has the right to come up with degrading nicknames for athletes, I also believe that Skip loves the attention. He sends out dozens of "prophet" tweets per day. I had to unfollow him it was so much. He's all about pestering you into watching his show. But if Skip Bayless' philosophies were so virtuous and important, then why is he on a repetitive debate show at 9 o'clock in the morning talking about Tim Tebow everyday? If Skip is truly protective of his character (as he often declares with that jackass scowl on his face), why is he using such a corny platform?

Ratings. That's the answer. Take it all with a grain of salt, people. There are much more important things going on in the world.


4) QUICK, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE GUY THAT BUBBA WATSON FACED IN THE 2-HOLE PLAYOFF AT THE MASTERS ON SUNDAY?
First and last name. Take your time. I'll wait. Yeah... that's what I thought.

I'll admit that I watched a lot of the tournament. But I didn't buy all the bullshit that ESPN and CBS were selling about the Masters being a "tradition unlike any other." I get so sick of hearing Jim Nantz basically whisper that phrase on Masters commercials every year, with that soft sleepy piano tune playing in the background. It's still four rounds of golf, it's still played on an 18-hole course, I still can't read the greens on my TV, and there's still a trophy for the winner. Sounds like a "tradition EXACTLY like MANY others." Plus, two days before the tournament, all I heard was the talking heads predicting that Tiger Woods would be the winner (By the way, why is every show on ESPN a prediction/debate show now? Michael Smith almost gets fighting mad when people don't agree with his predictions. Predictions!). But by Saturday, those same talking heads were back to saying that Tiger will never pass Jack Nicklaus' majors record.

Look, I personally don't give a fuck about Tiger Woods. I got over the whole "black golfer" thing about 15 years ago. To me, he's just another dude. Better yet, he's a dickhead. You know it and I know it. When did we start celebrating that kind of behavior? And why did I have to hear about him for seven straight days through Sunday, when he lost the tournament BY 15 STROKES? Because he's the hook, that's why. Put some more money in the jukebox, I'm not finished yet.


5) DANICA PATRICK = GARBAGE.
Look at the screen capture from SportsCenter below:

What the fuck? Who fucking cares what Danica Patrick's tentative racing schedule is? She's only won ONE RACE!!! Ever! And that was back in 2008 in Japan! She's not even the greatest female driver of all time, by far!

But she's a Go Daddy Girl and she looks damn good in a bikini, so...


6) CHARLES BARKLEY. HOOK.



7) ATHLETES' TWEETS ON SPORTSCENTER. HOOK.



8) COWBOYS, LAKERS, KNICKS & YANKEES HEADLINES. HOOK.



9) ERIN ANDREWS. FINE ASS SEXY MOTHERFUCKIN' HOOK.



10) In conclusion, let me be clear: I didn't have some silly little epiphany before I wrote this. I already understood how entertainment works. Well, at least for the most part. But what I'm saying is that sports have become businesses primarily, and quality athletics secondarily. And sports news has become entertainment primarily, and quality journalism secondarily. It's kinda like how you can find the latest issue of Us Weekly at Wal-Mart in 20 seconds, but it would take 20 minutes to find a dictionary.

Hey is that Chyna? No? Oh.