What if...

After years of denial, I'm finally willing to admit it: Michael Jordan pushed off in Game 6.



And so I started thinking: What if the referee had called that offensive foul, the Bulls had lost the game (they were down by 1 with :08 left at the time), and then lost Game 7 in Chicago? I know it sounds far fetched, but it really isn't. Take this (long) journey with me.

(Oh, and if someone somewhere else has already thought of/written about this, I assure you, I haven't read it. Just like everything else I write, this all me; all my own research. No plagiarism)


REASONS WHY THE JAZZ COULD'VE WON GAME 7

1) THE JAZZ WERE FRESHER. Utah swept the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals, but the Bulls played a grueling 7-game series to beat Reggie Miller and the Pacers in the Eastern Conference Finals. Remember?

2) THE JAZZ WOULD'VE HAD ALL THE MOMENTUM. Keep in mind that Utah was fresh off an emotional win in Game 5 in Chicago. If they had won Game 6, they would be riding a 2-game winning streak and could've gone all out in Game 7 knowing that it was for sure the last game of their season.

3) THE JAZZ WERE VERY, VERY GOOD. That season, Utah had the exact same number of regular season wins as the Bulls. And they beat Chicago in both of their regular season matchups. Plus, Utah was battle tested. Their first two playoff rounds pitted them against the Rockets and Spurs. Chicago's first two rounds were against the shitty Nets and the shitty Hornets, led by, wait for it, Vlade Divac and Anthony Mason. I'm sure the Bulls were shaking with fear.



IF CHICAGO HAD LOST THE FINALS, AND IF JORDAN HAD STAYED...

1) THE BULLS' NEXT SEASON WOULD'VE BEEN A DISASTER. Okay, first things first: Contrary to popular belief, the Bulls broke up because Michael Jordan burned out. He played max minutes during the second 3-peat (how else could they have gone 72-10 in 1997?) and he was sick and tired of dealing with his teammates' drama, as noted in ---> this incredible must-read article from 2004. (click it)

2) THE BULLS WOULD NOT HAVE WON ANOTHER CHAMPIONSHIP. Keep in mind that the 1998-99 season was shortened by a lockout. And when I say shortened, I mean the season started in February, not on Christmas like this season. Michael Jordan didn't retire until January, which means he had almost decided to actually play. Take a look around the league: EVERYBODY has suffered an injury due to the shortened season of back-to-back games. A burned out Michael Jordan may have fallen to the same fate.

3) DERRICK ROSE WOULD NOT BE A BULL RIGHT NOW. If Jordan had stayed, the Bulls would've been pretty good for the next couple of seasons... which means they wouldn't have had lottery picks. Knowing how much of an intense competitor he is, it's hard for me to believe that Jordan would've retired as a loser after the 1998 Finals against Utah, so he probably would've come back. With that in mind, there would've been a butterfly effect on the Bulls' future, and they likely would not have ended up in position to pick Derrick Rose 10 years later.



MICHAEL JORDAN'S LEGACY

1) IF THEY HAD ADVANCED TO THE FINALS IN THE LOCKOUT-SHORTENED SEASON, EVEN WITH JORDAN, THE BULLS WOULD'VE PLAYED THE SPURS AND LOST. Call it what you want, but the aging Bulls would've struggled against the twin towers. Especially if they had barely beaten the aforementioned Pacers and lost to Utah in the previous year.


2) IF JORDAN HAD PLAYED FOR TWO MORE SEASONS, GUESS WHO HE'D PLAY IN THE FINALS? That's right. Shaq and Kobe. Of course, that would mean that Phil Jackson would have to be coaching the Lakers, but we'll get to that scenario in a minute.

3) IF THE BULLS NEVER WON ANOTHER RING, THE JORDAN-KOBE DEBATE WOULD BE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. Y'all already know how I feel about Michael Jordan. Best ever, no question. Not even close. But many others would probably feel differently if Jordan had only ended up with five rings instead of six. Kobe has five right now. Maybe the opportunity to win more rings than MJ would've kept Kobe from (allegedly) raping that one chick in Colorado. Who knows?


4) IF THE BULLS NEVER WON ANOTHER RING, JORDAN WOULD'VE NEVER BEEN A WIZARD. This just makes sense. No need to explain it. All I will say is that Jordan wouldn't have been arrogant enough to think that he could turn a shitty team into winners if he couldn't even do it against the Jazz with two other Hall-of-Famers already on his team.



HOW A BULLS LOSS IN THE FINALS TO UTAH WOULD'VE AFFECTED THE ENTIRE LEAGUE

1) LeBRON JAMES WOULD NOT HAVE GONE TO THE CAVS. And not just LeBron, either. Almost every other superstar in the league might be in a different uniform right now because of Michael Jordan's decision. Like I said before, Jordan sticking around for a couple more seasons would have a butterfly effect on the league. Once he finally retired, the Bulls future would've been completely different. Remember, the Bulls are in the Cavs' division, which means they play each other a lot. In the 2002-03 season, the year before LeBron was drafted, the Bulls weren't much better than Cleveland. If Jordan had stayed until 2000, the Bulls may have been either a little bit better or a little bit worse in 2002-03, depending on their previous draft picks and personnel. A few more (or less) balls in the NBA Lottery machine for either the Bulls or the Cavs, and LeBron is a... Piston. Or a Clipper. Or maybe even a Bull.


2) PHIL JACKSON AND KOBE BRYANT MAY HAVE LESS RINGS (OR MORE). If Jordan had stayed, Phil would've stayed. Phil wasn't burned out; otherwise he wouldn't have coached a million more seasons with the Lakers. Perhaps if Phil had stayed in Chi-Town through 2000, the Lakers may have finally filled their coaching vacancy by then. I still think Phil would've gone straight to the Lakers in 2000-01, but if he hadn't, the Spurs would have a gigantic dynasty right now and even the Blazers may have won at least one championship.


3) UTAH WOULD BE A (SLIGHTLY MORE) POPULAR PLACE TO PLAY. Nobody wants to go there because there's no social life in Salt Lake City. But if there were a championship banner in the building, players (I'm talking to you, Deron Williams) might want to stick around and carry on the legacy. Jerry Sloan would still have his job. Bitch ass Karl Malone would be an assistant coach somewhere. And Bryon Russell would happily be not famous instead on infamous.


And to think, it all could've happened if the referee had made a routine call...

Oh well. Glad he didn't.

Basketball, Basketball, Basketball*

*plus some other random topics and some titties and stuff.

Had a long week? Relax a little and have a laugh while I learn you a couple things:


1) Dirk Nowitzki Makes Basketball Look Difficult as Fuck

Have you ever really, really watched Dirk play? Whenever it's time to run to the other end of the court, he has to take like 4 baby steps to get himself revved up to run. And then when he does run, if you want to call it running, it looks like he's "running" on broken stilts. Better yet, it looks like as if it literally hurts his butthole to run.

And it looks like he travels every single time he tries to drive to the bucket. And it looks like he has arthritis in his entire upper body when he shoots. And he always looks like he's about to fall down.

But that unathletic bastard is great, no doubt about it.


2) Look-Alikes

Guess what? J.P. kinda looks like Kumar from "Harold and Kumar."


Austin kinda looks like Bobby from "King of the Hill."


And Mitzi kinda looks like this chick named Holly, who happens to be a pornstar, who happens to have some big ass tiddays.


Don't tell her I said that shit, though.

Actually... yeah, tell her. Tell her right now. We're friends so she'll understand.


3) The Kentucky-Louisville Game Is NOT a Lock

Don't get me wrong, Louisville will probably lose. But... Louisville lost 9 games this year, and 8 of the losses came in conference play -- The Big East; arguably the toughest conference in the country (if not the ACC).

They lost to Notre Dame, Marquette and Cincinnati. But when they got the chance to play them all again, Louisville beat them. By a LOT, an avg. of 11 points. They lost to Syracuse by nine on the road, but when they got to play them at home, Louisville only lost by one. What I'm saying is, if Louisville plays you twice, you're in trouble the second time around.

Kentucky beat Louisville by 7 on New Year's Eve. I'm just sayin...


4) Three Things I Hate

Here are three things I hate even more than Dwight Howard, which is a lot. Like, a LOT lot.

Like, I hate that goofy motherfucker Dwight Howard more than I hate having burning diarrhea, and I hate having burning diarrhea more than I hate drinking WAY too much and having that "I'm about to throw up, and even the thought of getting out of bed to go throw up will make me want to throw up because the room is spinning and I just want to go to sleep, but I can't because I have to fucking throw up" feeling. In other words, I really really really really really really really really hate Dwight Howard, and yet here are three things that I hate even more than that stupid fucking piece of shit:

• I HATE IT WHEN PITBULL SAYS "DALE", WHICH IS LIKE, EVERYDAY
  
  
• I HATE IT WHEN THAT "THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM" SHIT COMES ON WHEN I'M IN THE ROOM ALONE IN THE DARK.
  
  
• I HATE THE AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN I HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE I'VE SEEN THE MOVIE IN WHICH YOU ARE QUOTING, EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T. (SERIOUSLY, STOP BEING A DICK AND FUCKING ASK ME IF I'VE SEEN THE MOVIE BEFORE YOU JUST START QUOTING IT WHILE LAUGHING AT THE SAME TIME. MAYBE I HAVEN'T SEEN "NUTTY PROFESSOR 2," AND IF I HAVE, WHICH I HAVEN'T, DON'T FUCKING ASSUME THAT I'M GONNA THINK THAT THE PARTS THAT WERE FUNNY TO YOU WILL BE FUNNY TO ME. OKAY? FUCK...)

5) Kevin Durant SHOULD NOT Be The NBA MVP



I know you're all on his nuts, and that's cool because he's a great player, but he's not the MVP. As much as I can't stand Russell WestBRICK, I have to admit that he outperforms Durant half of the time. In the first half of almost every game, KD isn't aggressive. He just wants to shoot jump shots. And then in the second half, when the game is dangerously close, he suddenly starts going to the rim. Westbrook, on the other hand, is aggressive for the entire game. And Westbrook outscores Durant on a regular basis, plus he plays tough on-the-ball defense. Yes, Westbrook plays like he has A.D.D. and he's probably the biggest ball hog since Kobe circa 2004-05, but still. Durant isn't even the most valuable player on his own team. You know it and I know it.


6) Titties



Keep reading first, motherfucker.


7) Giving Kevin Love Some Love

Kevin Love is about to become the first white, American-born superstar in the NBA since John Stockton. Think about it for a minute.



Crazy right? I know!


8) Halloween is Only 200-And-Something Days Away

STEP ONE: Grab Dallas (the person, not the city)

STEP TWO: Tell him to shave off some of his pubes and buy some glue

STEP THREE: Give him 60 bucks

STEP FOUR: Advise him to go online and buy an Anthony Davis Kentucky Wildcats jersey with the 60 bucks you gave him

STEP FIVE: Tell him to glue his freshly cut pubes just above his nose

STEP SIX: Take pictures. Lots of them.

STEP SEVEN: Watch him win the prize money from every Halloween costume contest in Odessa

STEP EIGHT: Get your 60 bucks back, plus interest, because it was your idea in the first place

STEP NINE: Avoid eye contact with me for a few months, because we both know it really WASN'T your idea in the first place

STEP TEN: Riddled with guilt and ashamed that you've blown the money on Michelob Ultras and male hookers, quietly slit your wrists in the bathtub



Happy Halloween!


9) Dear Tater,

Before you start unnecessarily texting us and sending pictures when it starts to get miserably cold and snowy in your area in, like, late July... allow me to speak for all of us when I say:



I'm kidding, of course. Don't get all "Dirk-Running"


10) Titties (cont'd)



Speaking of pillows, gotta go to bed. Holler at me. And you're welcome for everything.

March Madness

Okay fellas (and lady), Yahoo! won't allow me to write any more messages on our Fantasy Football page, so I decided to use Blogger because I was about to explode. Hell, I don't even know where to start...


1) "Bounty-Gate"

This is simple. You can't come up with illegal schemes with a group of guys who, next season, will probably be playing against you. This isn't the 70s or 80s anymore. Free agency exists now. Chances are, a player that was either traded from the Saints, wrongfully cut by the Saints, or signed on as a free agent with one of the Saints' division rivals, is the one who snitched in the first place.



Sean Payton is losing $7.5 million and Gregg Williams' career is fucked because they trusted too many people. Stupid motherfuckers.


2) Tourney Time

Okay...

a) Stop calling the tournament "March Madness". If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me, "Hey, have you been watching March Madness?", I'd put all 5,000 nickels in a bag and beat the shit out of some of y'all before I went and cashed those hoes. It's called the NCAA Basketball Tournament. That's like calling Christmas "Season's Greetings" or something.

b) If you're going to only let players have 5 fouls, stop calling charges every other play. Every year a great team gets eliminated from the tourney because of foul trouble, and this year isn't any different. The refs are turning basketball into a pussy sport... even at the highest level:



c) How come none of y'all filled out a women's bracket? You sexist bastards. Side note: I bet Brittney Griner gets more pussy than most dudes do. Just a butch. I mean hunch.




3) Public Service Announcement

Okay, pay attention if you are friends with any tall, extra skinny, long-legged white girls: The next time you're with your lanky friend, please tell them to stop wearing these kinds of shoes:



If you have long feet and skinny legs, the LAST thing you should do is wear shoes like these. And yet, day after day, I see these clown-footed girls wearing these shoes with skinny jeans. It's not a good look. I don't know who told them it was a good look, but it's time that we help by letting them know. I would want one of you to tell me if I had a big ass booger in my nose. This is sorta the same thing.


4) Dwight Howard

See? Told you he was an attention whore. I told you. I fucking told you. Called it three years ago, BEFORE bitch ass Skip Bayless did.


5) Tim Tebow

Speaking of Skip Bayless, have you guys (and gal) noticed what's been going on? Even though the Broncos brought new meaning to "ASAP" in how fast they got rid of Tebow's ass, Skip is still acting like it's a good sign for Tebow. That #freetebow bullshit is just Skip refusing to admit that he was wrong. Tim Tebow sucks, y'all. He sucks. The Broncos got some lucky wins in the 4th quarter last year, yeah, but how long can you maintain that shit in the NFL?

And what the fuck are the Jets thinking? I look at that team, throw my hands in the air, and say:




6) Fitness

Have you guys tried hundredpushups.com yet? I'm serious. That shit works. All you gotta do is force yourself to commit to it for a couple weeks, and then it's smooth sailing. Kinda like anal sex for some of y'all fruity booties out there.



No, but for realio... try that shit. It works. And if you can't do full push-ups, feel free to improvise:




7) Andrew Luck

Did I already mention that this douche looks AND sounds exactly like J.P. from Grandma's Boy? Google it. Anyway, yeah, it's true. And I hate it because they both sound like they constantly need to blow their fucking nose.


8) Random Chick



You're welcome.


9) Just sayin...

I'm preeeeeetty sure Rob Gronkowski is downing beer bongs and was allegedly kissing a 16-year-old during Spring Break, and yet you've heard nothing about it on SportsCenter. But if Terrell Owens owes a little bit of child support...

Just reminding you of the world we live in. Don't shoot the messenger.


10) Umm...

I forgot what my last point was gonna be. Of course I'll remember after I hit SUBMIT and then I'll be pissed, but I don't care. I'm tired of typing.


Deuces.