Had a long week? Relax a little and have a laugh while I learn you a couple things:
1) Dirk Nowitzki Makes Basketball Look Difficult as Fuck
Have you ever really, really watched Dirk play? Whenever it's time to run to the other end of the court, he has to take like 4 baby steps to get himself revved up to run. And then when he does run, if you want to call it running, it looks like he's "running" on broken stilts. Better yet, it looks like as if it literally hurts his butthole to run.
And it looks like he travels every single time he tries to drive to the bucket. And it looks like he has arthritis in his entire upper body when he shoots. And he always looks like he's about to fall down.
But that unathletic bastard is great, no doubt about it.
2) Look-Alikes
Guess what? J.P. kinda looks like Kumar from "Harold and Kumar."
Austin kinda looks like Bobby from "King of the Hill."
And Mitzi kinda looks like this chick named Holly, who happens to be a pornstar, who happens to have some big ass tiddays.
Don't tell her I said that shit, though.
Actually... yeah, tell her. Tell her right now. We're friends so she'll understand.
3) The Kentucky-Louisville Game Is NOT a Lock
Don't get me wrong, Louisville will probably lose. But... Louisville lost 9 games this year, and 8 of the losses came in conference play -- The Big East; arguably the toughest conference in the country (if not the ACC).
They lost to Notre Dame, Marquette and Cincinnati. But when they got the chance to play them all again, Louisville beat them. By a LOT, an avg. of 11 points. They lost to Syracuse by nine on the road, but when they got to play them at home, Louisville only lost by one. What I'm saying is, if Louisville plays you twice, you're in trouble the second time around.
Kentucky beat Louisville by 7 on New Year's Eve. I'm just sayin...
4) Three Things I Hate
Here are three things I hate even more than Dwight Howard, which is a lot. Like, a LOT lot.
Like, I hate that goofy motherfucker Dwight Howard more than I hate having burning diarrhea, and I hate having burning diarrhea more than I hate drinking WAY too much and having that "I'm about to throw up, and even the thought of getting out of bed to go throw up will make me want to throw up because the room is spinning and I just want to go to sleep, but I can't because I have to fucking throw up" feeling. In other words, I really really really really really really really really hate Dwight Howard, and yet here are three things that I hate even more than that stupid fucking piece of shit:
- I HATE IT WHEN PITBULL SAYS "DALE", WHICH IS LIKE, EVERYDAY
- I HATE IT WHEN THAT "THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM" SHIT COMES ON WHEN I'M IN THE ROOM ALONE IN THE DARK.
- I HATE THE AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN I HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE I'VE SEEN THE MOVIE IN WHICH YOU ARE QUOTING, EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T. (SERIOUSLY, STOP BEING A DICK AND FUCKING ASK ME IF I'VE SEEN THE MOVIE BEFORE YOU JUST START QUOTING IT WHILE LAUGHING AT THE SAME TIME. MAYBE I HAVEN'T SEEN "NUTTY PROFESSOR 2," AND IF I HAVE, WHICH I HAVEN'T, DON'T FUCKING ASSUME THAT I'M GONNA THINK THAT THE PARTS THAT WERE FUNNY TO YOU WILL BE FUNNY TO ME. OKAY? FUCK...)
I know you're all on his nuts, and that's cool because he's a great player, but he's not the MVP. As much as I can't stand Russell WestBRICK, I have to admit that he outperforms Durant half of the time. In the first half of almost every game, KD isn't aggressive. He just wants to shoot jump shots. And then in the second half, when the game is dangerously close, he suddenly starts going to the rim. Westbrook, on the other hand, is aggressive for the entire game. And Westbrook outscores Durant on a regular basis, plus he plays tough on-the-ball defense. Yes, Westbrook plays like he has A.D.D. and he's probably the biggest ball hog since Kobe circa 2004-05, but still. Durant isn't even the most valuable player on his own team. You know it and I know it.
6) Titties
Keep reading first, motherfucker.
7) Giving Kevin Love Some Love
Kevin Love is about to become the first white, American-born superstar in the NBA since John Stockton. Think about it for a minute.
Crazy right? I know!
8) Halloween is Only 200-And-Something Days Away
STEP ONE: Grab Dallas (the person, not the city)
STEP TWO: Tell him to shave off some of his pubes and buy some glue
STEP THREE: Give him 60 bucks
STEP FOUR: Advise him to go online and buy an Anthony Davis Kentucky Wildcats jersey with the 60 bucks you gave him
STEP FIVE: Tell him to glue his freshly cut pubes just above his nose
STEP SIX: Take pictures. Lots of them.
STEP SEVEN: Watch him win the prize money from every Halloween costume contest in Odessa
STEP EIGHT: Get your 60 bucks back, plus interest, because it was your idea in the first place
STEP NINE: Avoid eye contact with me for a few months, because we both know it really WASN'T your idea in the first place
STEP TEN: Riddled with guilt and ashamed that you've blown the money on Michelob Ultras and male hookers, quietly slit your wrists in the bathtub
Happy Halloween!
9) Dear Tater,
Before you start unnecessarily texting us and sending pictures when it starts to get miserably cold and snowy in your area in, like, late July... allow me to speak for all of us when I say:
I'm kidding, of course. Don't get all "Dirk-Running"
10) Titties (cont'd)
Speaking of pillows, gotta go to bed. Holler at me. And you're welcome for everything.
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